Sticking close

On this rainy morning, we took a walk to the "Farmer's Market" - aka our backyard garden:

And then stayed a while to play in the rain:

Even had time for Taran to have a quick photography lesson before Cally woke up from her nap.

Achy Breaky Heart

What absolutely slays YOU as a parent? One thing I've talked about in the past is Taran's open-hearted nature. How he'll walk up to a perfect stranger, grab their hand and say "come, let me show you something." Ok, not only is this terrifying as a parent because you never know what crazy creeps are out there, but it's also terrifying because when you are so open to the world, inevitably you will find that it is not always a kind place, and this will change you. Maybe dim your light a little. How do you shield a child from this without squelching their joy, kindness, and exuberance for life?! I have no answers to this question, but it's absolutely crushing to think of him having to go through this experience. Perhaps many times over until he builds a defense.

The other thing that is heartbreaking, but in a bittersweet, wonderful way is watching him grow more into himself everyday and know that in the long run, this means that he will grow away from me. The insanity of the human condition... that we allow ourselves to love so, so deeply someone whom we ultimately have to let go!

This past week was Taran's third birthday and so I've been reflecting a lot on how he is evolving as a person - things that I've witnessed from the first days are deepening and new traits are emerging. Taran has always been voraciously curious how things work, the "ins and outs" of things. As a new talker, his first handful of words were "see", "hold it", and "open" and he'd get incredibly frustrated if the object of his fascination could not be opened and explored. That hasn't changed. He's constantly trying to open up pens to see what's inside and when there are ones that are sealed on one end and can't be opened he'll exclaim, "I just want to try" as if by sheer will and determination alone, the task can be done. He can't get enough of new building materials and so, from various friends and family who know him well, he received a few great ones for his birthday this year: a new set of magna-tiles, squigz, tinker toys. I could watch him build for hours. He's so incredibly engaged and focused and I'm fascinated by his descriptions of his works: "a leaf blower", "a skyscraper with a water pipe that goes down into the ground", "a piano", "I don't know Mom, you tell me".

I've also come to realize that he's quite a non-linear thinker. He'll happily make up a story and it's not always clear that he is able to distinguish his own fiction from the truth or whether he just gets a kick out of pulling people's leg. The other day as I was pushing him in a cart through the market, his curly-topped, smiley self caught the eye of a passing elderly lady. As she turned to look at him he informed her "I have cavities". You have what!? Since when?! A few days later he asked me the origin of one of his "owies". When I told him I wasn't sure, he solemnly replied "it's an old basketball injury. 

Then there are the truths I wish he wouldn't tell. Like informing the checkout clerk that "Mama and Papa's room is a mess. They need to clean it up." It is, and we do, but Good Lord child! Next time you are just staying home with Papa while I go shopping.

He's such a wonderful, perplexing blend of wild and exuberant, observant and reflective. He's social and then suddenly deeply introverted - he often prefers to stay home and snuggle in a blanket happily building things over what I would expect to be far more exciting choices like play dates or going for ice cream cones. He can be fiercely independent ("I want to do it myself, Mom") and a total barnacle ("Can you stay here in bed with me a long while, Mama? 'Til morning?). I am absolutely enthralled with my child and the process of learning more about him every day.

As I've mentioned before, he loves having his posse near, so what better way to celebrate his birthday then to have Cleveland family come to stay for the weekend. We ate lots of good food all weekend, woke up Saturday morning and made a trek to my favorite metro park to stomp around in a creek and then grilled out with family and friends. As the rain came and went, came and went, people milled under the magnolia tree, chased rocket balloons through the yard,

and ate cake. Lots and lots of cake.

And speaking of birthdays, today marks the end of the "4th trimester", Cally's 3 month birthday. She helped us celebrate by letting me put her in her crib drowsy but awake this morning, where she proceeded to nap for 1.25 hours. Whoo hoo. Of course, the next nap was 7 minutes in the crib, followed by 90 minutes in the swing, and now she's asleep on my shoulder. Baby steps I tell you, baby steps.

Today also marks moving the co-sleeper out of the room and putting her in her crib at night. This for me is a huge heartbreak. I love her breathing next to mine in the night. But every day she gets more wakeful, more alert, more aware of her surroundings. This is wonderfully delightful as we are beginning to see more and more gummy smiles and hear all sorts of cooing an a strange wheezy inhalation of breath which I'm sure is meant to be laughter. But, it also means that her brother's joyful wake-up flight into the room and crash landing onto our bed is wreaking havoc on her sleep (and ours, but that's a whole other story), so it's time for that transition. So many transitions.

Happy birthday, shiny boy. 

Happy birthday milky girl.

Getting some fun out of life

I'm not going to lie. Things have been a bit rough around the edges lately. We have reached the six week mark and along with it, the sixth week growth spurt. If you've never nursed, this entry from a fellow blogger sums it up fairly well, although I think the writer brings a little more sweetness and humour to the situation than I've been able to bring into my own experience this week. My perspective has been somewhat skewed by the fact that half the household is sick. Luckily, Cally and I aren't in the sicky half. Yet. But for the last three days she has stopped nursing only long enough to be burped (i.e. 10 minute intervals max) - for hours - and Taran can't be anywhere near Cally. Neither can Joe. As a consequence Taran is not only a mess because he's sick and is constantly being dragged away from his sister, but also has very little access to me. "I want you to put her in the bassinet", I've heard about a million times this week. Yesterday I walked around the house pant-less for hours with spit-up down my bra, gazing longingly at everyone else's plates of food with no hands to eat my own and wishing desperately I could take a shower. So you know, it's been a barrel of laughs around these parts.

Even prior to the nasty virus, we have been on the bumpy road of adjustment to being a foursome. Mainly we've just been hunkering down at home and trying to get to some semblance of normalcy back around here. As Taran would say, we are snuggling in the womb.

Taran: This is my womb
Me: This is a gigantic, random pile of junk that I dread straightening up

 One thing that has helped is to have some family projects.... gardening, cooking, crafting.... something mellow that we can do together, puttering around the house at our own pace.

A couple of weeks ago, to give Taran some special solo time with me, I hopped in the bath with him. On a whim, I picked up one of his bath toys and started to play the didgeridoo on it. Taran lit up, so after the bath we found a didgeridoo video on youtube and now we are all hooked. A couple of weeks ago we all went out and picked up some pvc pipe, beeswax, acrylic paint and some gyros at the drive-thru (who thought up this brilliant set-up?!) and then set out to make our didgeridoo, or as Taran calls it a "didgawarydoo". I had a number of photos of the process, but they all seemed disturbingly phallic, so I'll just show you the finished product - non-traditional colors and all.

This morning, on top of the endless snot, we are also having endless rain. So we made play dough face collages with beads, buttons, yarn, tissue paper and various other random doodads. Taran has been channeling Picasso I guess on this particular project.

On one particularly beautiful morning last week, we decided to rally and venture outside the home to check out a non-profit educational organic farm. Aside from a few minor meltdowns, in our own ways, we all had a fantastic time. Cally was soothed by the warm sun and fresh air

Taran had a great time wandering through the tall grass and exploring the old farm equipment

and Joe and I? Well, we have been dreaming of expanding our backyard "farm" ever since.

We have various chicken coop plans sketched out on scrap paper strewn about the house and I'm dreaming of Araucanas and blue eggs. We've been talking about this for four years and I'm really hoping that the scheme comes to fruition this summer. In all our free time.

And overall, how's Cally doing you might ask? She's amazing! She has almost doubled her birth weight in 6 weeks and has practically outgrown most of her 0-3 month clothes.

She's a real chunk-a-munk with a super sweet temperament and besides her love of eating, she seems to be a big fan of sleeping too (insert a big cheerleader "Hurrah" here). On some nights she has "slept through the night" (i.e. 11:30-5:30) while Taran has run in on multiple occasions. Clearly he could take some sleeping tips from his baby sister.

Overall, despite the chaos of this week, I would have to say things are settling down. I no longer feel like body-snatchers have captured our son. He's started to settle in and show glimpses of his happy self. And while Joe and I have no sense of a routine yet, we find ourselves shaking our heads in amazement on how we managed to have two such wonderful kiddos. Life is good. And even fun once in a while these days.

Growing pains

Almost 3 weeks of becoming a foursome and we are definitely riding a roller coaster, trying to adjust to this new land shift in our lives. In obvious ways, and for obvious reasons, the change has been difficult for Taran. How odd it must be to suddenly not be the center of your parent's universe! A friend of mine said it must be like the feeling of your partner suddenly coming home with a new husband or wife. In that light, I can deeply sympathize with his struggles. But, Oh Lordy the tantrums and tears are enough to bring me to my knees sometimes. Especially when my night looks something like this:

4:30 pm - 11:00 pm Calliope is cluster-feeding
11-1 sleep
1-2 nurse Calliope
2:45 just drifting into a deep sleep when Taran comes running in because he needs chapstick
2:45-4:15 sleep
4:15-5:20 nurse Calliope
5:20 gently place Calliope down in co-sleeper
5:25 Taran runs into room again for chapstick (I'm throwing that goddamn chapstick away!!!)
5:25 - 6 am repeatedly chase Taran back to bed with admonishments to "stay in bed until the daytime bunny comes on".
6 am Look over at my husband and ask him why we thought having children was a good idea

Joe had to leave town for work for three nights this week and it has been just about enough to send me into post-partum depression. I'll be so happy when he gets off that red-eye flight tomorrow morning at 6:30 am and comes home to us!

Ok, enough griping. My point being that Taran isn't the only one reeling with the transition. When I'm constantly feeding Cally I feel terrible that I'm not spending more time with Taran and when I immediately pass her off to someone else after nursing to spend time with him, then I feel guilty and sad that I'm losing bonding time with her. I don't think I realized how much being a Mom of two would make me feel like I'm suddenly a crappy Mom to both. At times like this I need to remind myself to keep breathing. Gentle, gentle Mama. Tred lightly and be gentle with yourself and everyone around you.

One thing that has really surprised me in this time is how rapidly my perspective on Taran has shifted. I look at him now, - long limbs stretched out in a yawn, running across the yard with a wrench in hand to help Papa attach the bike stroller, fetching me a glass of water unasked because he wants to make sure I stay hydrated - and I'm astonished how big he seems to me now. The feeling I have watching him in those moments - so big, so fast! - is like a deep purple bruise, beautiful in color and so tender to touch.

One thing that has surprised me less is how he's starting to become protective of little Calliope (when he's not smacking her in the stomach or head - something that horrified me so badly I burst into uncontrollable tears which shocked Taran enough that hopefully the message got across and he won't do it again.) He can be quite protective of both Joe and I and other loved ones in his extended posse. A few nights ago as we were putting him down for bed, we realized his cherished K Bear was still in our room so Joe went to get the lovey, with Cally slung over his shoulder. As he searched through our bed cloths, he set her down in the bassinet and she begun to squawk. "What is that, Mama?", Taran asked. "I guess that's Calliope, unhappy to be put down", I replied. To which Taran let me know that he was both mad and sad and Joe should pick her up again. I'm grateful for his affectionate soul and I'm relieved to see that the desire he often has to protect Joe and I is being broadened to include the new member of our posse.

Sometimes he's a handful, but oh, how I love him

Amidst all the Sturm und Drang in our household, Calliope has been a floating island of tranquility, taking the chaos in stride. I was the third of three girls, each 18 months apart and by the time I arrived on the scene, my Mom always says that I somehow knew that she couldn't take any more so I was a happy, easy baby. Maybe Cally knows that too. But I also try to remind her every day that she doesn't have to take care of me. That she can be as squeaky a wheel as she needs to be; that she has a right as much as her brother to take up space in the world.

And she's thriving wonderfully - eating like a champ, outgrowing all her newborn clothes in two weeks, getting her first bath, her first trip in the car, her first picnic in the garden....

As Taran and Joe and I stumble along in this new, uncertain territory, I feel our love for her wrapping out towards her slowly like pea vines searching for a trellis, bringing her into our hearts and our family, chaos and all.

Birth is luminous

With the loving support of my incredible partner, we brought our baby girl into our home last night. Little Calliope Luka (a.k.a Cally) came 10 days early - bright and sweet and ready to eat! She MUST be my daughter.

Taran was absolutely delighted to run into our room this morning and discover her lying there. 

Apparently, the feeling was mutual. Or.... she was just hungry again.

I'd like to be more poetic about this exquisite moment in our lives, but too little sleep and too much sensory input have left me feeling tongue-tied. So I will just leave these images to do the talking for me.

All by myself

The title of this post has been a big theme in our house this week, "I want to do it by myself, Mama". This "I can do it attitude" has brought some pretty exciting changes including pooping in the potty! We've also officially moved him out of the toddler bed in the nursery and into his big boy room with a big boy bed. Kind of a momentous week I guess and perhaps as a consequence, today was the first day out of the last five that he actually is napping. Which is the only reason that I have time to right this blog post now.

My online photography class ended a couple of weeks ago and I couldn't believe how fast 4 weeks flew by. Partly I'm relieved to have some time to get my house and gardens in order before #2 arrives, and partly I'm sad to be done with something that I was doing just for me.  I would have loved to sign up for one of the more advanced courses but just approaching week 37 of my pregnancy, with an increasing frenzy about things to do (plant seeds in my vegetable garden, transplant the seedlings that I started last month, mulch the beds and dig out a new bed for sunflowers and another for lupines and zinnias, get the blackout curtains for my son's new room sewn, wash all the new baby clothes......Oh my gosh, just looking at this list makes me convinced I have truly lost my mind), I know it's unreasonable to take on the next level of photo course right now. I feel like I'm well on my way to understanding the basics, but nowhere close to understanding how to become an artist with my camera. For the next 6 months, I might not have enough time to wash my hair or change my underwear, but I hope I have just a few minutes here and there to capture myself, my vision, my sanity, through the lens of my camera. 

Hmmmm. I think I make it sound like I am not excited about this baby at all. That is truly not the case. But having gone through this once before I know how insular my world is going to be for a while; how incredibly daunting it can be to leave the house solo for even a quick run to the market 1/2 a mile away because your infant might only take a 25 minute nap and might wake up screaming to be nursed while you are gone. I remember how freeing it was when Taran hit the 14 month marker point and became more predictable, at least at nighttime, about falling asleep and staying asleep for at least a few hours (he didn't actually start sleeping through the night until 2.5). It was so amazing to be able to go to a Zumba class in the evening or take myself to the coffee shop up the street to do some lecture prep. I connected a lot at the time to a quote from a Moon Unit Zappa book: "Pieces of myself come back to me like iron filings to a magnet". She was referring to recovering from a break-up, but that feeling of reminding yourself who you are, separate from another human being, is very, very relevant in the context of motherhood too. So I guess I'm just psychologically preparing myself to be entering into a cave for a little while. 

Anyway, I digress, I was talking about photography.... In the process of going completely manual - especially after many winter months shooting indoors - I find shooting outdoors extremely challenging in terms of getting the light exposure right. Lately we have been making a desperate bid to get early spring crops planted while we can before a) it's too hot and b) the baby arrives, so the whole family has been spending every minute of our weekends outside, which gives me ample opportunity for outdoor photo session breaks.  

On the day I took the next few photos, it was strange lighting-wise; at times very, very sunny and then suddenly extremely gray and overcast with a transition between both states happening multiple times within just a handful of minutes. This made getting the exposure correct a bit tricky. I submitted these photos as part of a homework assignment for my photography class and had to include some notes on my thought process for each photo which I'm just attaching below because they are are a nice summary of what has been happening around here in our household. 

Dancing boy photos:

I'm not sure what inspired Taran, but he suddenly burst into a spontaneous happy dance that was pretty fantastic. I love when he does this. I envy his boundless capacity for joy that bubbles up from within at random moments, seemingly unprecipitated by his outward environment. Because he was often dancing towards me, it was very difficult to not cut off joints and to keep his eyes in focus, but I'm hoping that the sweetness of his exuberance makes up for that. 

Digging in the Dirt

I like the light on his head here - the way it's shining on his hair and face.  Maybe not a "perfect" shot because his eyes are shadowed, but I'm still pleased with it. I also love capturing those moments when he's completely engaged in his own thing and hardly cares what I'm doing.

Wheelbarrow pushing

Like I said earlier, this whole week there seems to be a huge developmental leap with Taran. Suddenly he wants to do EVERYTHING all by himself. This has been awesome to witness (if somewhat exasperating when there is a time crunch) and I really wanted to capture some of this when we were out together. He's helping Papa wheel dirt through the yard. In the first shot, you can't see Joe's face, but you can see in the veins in his arms that he's straining. This comes not so much from the weight of the wheelbarrow, but more from the fact that he's having to push in a really awkward slightly leaned back position to make room for Taran to push in front of him. I love the look on Taran's face in these photos - sheer joy that he is "helping"; blissfully unaware of how much Joe is straining to allow this moment for Taran. These pictures makes me love both my boys very much.

Garden rows

What should have taken about 15 minutes took over an hour because Taran kept pulling out the popsicle stick row markers, trying to grab the pen so he could label them himself, making mad grabs at the seed packets so he could spread the seed himself....you get the picture. Given the obstacles, I felt a huge sense of accomplishment when the rows were actually planted. I like the way the labeled sticks sort of look like cute little soldiers standing tall and I also like the way the sticks are backlit by the setting sun behind them. 

These next few weren't part of my homework assignment, I just like them:

Cooking in kitchen
This is one of my favorite things to do with Taran. It can get really messy, but I'm so happy to be sharing something with him that I love so much and it thrills me that he enjoys it too. I bought him his own special apron for Easter and it sort of matches mine. I kind of like the whole mini-me in the kitchen thing. It's really difficult to get any shots of him when it's just the two of us because I'm simultaneously trying to prevent him from a variety of disastrous outcomes such as using the spray gun on the sink to jet water everyone, chop off his fingers, send the prep bowl full of veggies crashing to the ground.... you know, the typical "curious-toddler-gets-himself-in-trouble" stuff.

Playing tuning pipe
No story here at all. They just make me smile.

In white room
We are having our front porch turned into more usable space now that we are losing one of our bedrooms upstairs. We divided it into two separate spaces: a mudroom and an office. Now Joe can still work from home when he wants and I finally get a coat closet!! The painting of the rooms was starting today and the currently white-primed walls and light wood trim are going away, so I wanted to get some pictures of Taran in there before that happened because it had this almost ethereal feel to it with all the light bouncing off the white walls. Almost made me wish we didn't have to paint at all. The outfit was entirely of his choosing.